This is not really happening
by frostedlemoncoward
Summary: you bet your life it is. - Lucas writes his new book and ponders things. Mainly Breyton, Lundsey, mentions of Leyton and Naley. Short and complete and now revised
1. Thought that was a good solution

**Title**: This is not really happening

**Pairing**: Breyton, Lundsey, with mention of Leyton and Naley

**Rating**: Uhm. PG, I guess? I'm never good at this. There's no bad words or explicit situations or anything so.

**Disclaimer**: You know the drill, I'm not the owner. The titles are from Tori Amos's song Cornflake Girl.

**Summary**: Lucas writes his new book and ponders things.

**Spoilers/Warnings**: Breyton. That means f/f. So. Y'know. It's set after Brooke and Peyton come back to Tree Hill.

**Author's Notes**: No beta so all mistakes are mine. I'm putting Lucas as the main character cause its locus is Lucas. It's a second person narrative focused on him and his realizations and such. It's mainly done, I'll update a little bit more regularly than I have for my other stories. Also, it's going to be rather short. I think my characterization of Lucas is a little off, I don't feel as comfortable writing with him as I do Brooke or Peyton, and I apologize for the possibility that this is horribly characterized or something. (As well as for my comma usage. I'm working on it. And the shortness of this part and in general.) I hope you enjoy it. I'll probably put the next part up sometime today or tomorrow.

Alright, so there's been a question as to why this is listed as under Lucas (I clicked on Peyton by accident, hadn't noticed that, remedied that, apologies.) It's a Breyton story but the focus is on Lucas and how He deals with and realizes this. It's a Lucas story where he isn't in the big triangle of doom and gets to end up happy. I'm sorry if it throws people that he isn't in the relationship that's in focus here but I don't think I should put it as B/P since they don't really show up that much. It's a Lucas story. So it's listed as Lucas. Sorry if this causes any problems for anyone, I didn't mean for it to do so.

-

You like to think you have an epic love story with Peyton Sawyer. After all it makes sense that you would, after all you've been through and the fact that you still can't get away from each other. It's like this thing you can't seem to escape, and truth be told, you really don't want to. It makes a soft smile curl up on your broody face every night as you brush your teeth before bed. You don't let anyone know she's on your mind at least once a day. You don't let anyone know that you still imagine life with her, especially because something always gets in the way. You think this is odd, that even in your daydreams or dreams you can't manage to keep her, or keep you both happy. Something's always there.

You remember the first time you made eye contact with her, freshman year of high school. You'd never admit it but you actually pinched yourself. It felt too much like a movie, she was too perfect. You were surprised that you actually liked her more than you liked Brooke. Brooke with her model looks and husky voice and come hither attitude couldn't hold a candle to the quiet artistry that was Peyton. And then there was the way you felt around each other, like you found this piece to you that you never really knew you had. It was too good to be true. You should have known that, especially when you started dating Brooke and things started crumbling. You aren't sure why you started dating Brooke exactly. You knew you wanted Peyton and she wanted you, but Brooke was there and she wanted you and she was gorgeous and the one thing your brother never had. Maybe that was your mistake, wanting to have something Nathan never had, or maybe it was just lusting after Brooke and chasing her instead of Peyton.

Oh, if you'd only realized that before. Before Brooke and Peyton and Lindsey, and the mess that happened. You sit at your computer now, trying to re-capture the stars. You need to write, you think. There's something sitting at the base of your brain, kicking and hollering, and there's the book deal. Lindsey too, you suppose. You don't want to disappoint her, not again. You love her, and you know you both know it, but you know you both have suspicions about Peyton. And now that she's back in town, well, it's making everything worse.

You're drawn to Peyton, she's got this hold on you that can pull you across the court, across town, across the country. She even managed to pull you out of the arms of Brooke Davis. You hope you're in her heart like she's in yours. You can't imagine why she wouldn't be, you are Lucas Scott after all. You're a hunky, brooding, former-basketball star and high school love. How could she not still feel this pull? She came back to Tree Hill after all. She must feel something for you, otherwise why would she come back? It doesn't make sense to you, there isn't anyone else that she would come back for. Not Nathan or Haley or Brooke. It would have been easier for her to go to New York if she missed Brooke, or have Brooke go there. Either one of them could have done their job in either place. So it must have been you. Even though you were with Lindsey and in love with her.

You sigh in frustration at the blank page in front of you. Another wasted day you think. Maybe tomorrow will go better. You shut down your computer and crawl into bed next the woman you love and try to lose yourself in sleep.


	2. She's gone to the other side

You're haunted by dreams of her, of them. It's crazy you think, that the thing that most men fantasize about is one of your worst dreams. Not quite a nightmare, but just as unsettling and worrisome. Brooke and Peyton are happy in this dream and you know that you aren't really a part of their lives anymore, not like you want to be anyway. They found the missing pieces and shored themselves up and everything was beautiful for them. And you were left in the dark, alone in the face of a coming storm that they were safe from. You couldn't make out all the details, couldn't remember the whole dream when you woke up, you just knew that it unsettled you.

They get to be in some sort of castle, safe from everything and you're just standing on this dock and the sky is all sorts of wrong. You don't know what it means, if maybe it's your indecision, your inability to be with either of them without hurting the other or if it's something else altogether. If it's something else you can't see it.

You wake upset the nights that you have those dreams, because you don't want to deal. You just know you don't want the storm to really hit you and you know that in your dream you are frantically trying to grab one or both of them. You always come up short, and you don't know why. There's always something or someone in the way and you can never get to them, or what they have. Denial you would think, if you realized it, got you through high school.

You hadn't had one of those dreams since you'd broken up with Peyton. You roll out of bed with a killer headache, and shuffle off to the shower. While the water pours over you, you imagine that it's washing away the bad dreams and replacing them with a sense of the future. You don't know why you're having these dreams again. You're happy with Lindsey, even if Peyton is back and as gorgeous as ever. Lindsey loves you and is easy. She's not complicated, there's no painful history, no broken hearts. She's there and you love her and she loves you and there's nothing between you. Except maybe for the fact that you can't quite get over Peyton. You chuckle sardonically to yourself as you realize you're more lost right now than you were after you graduated, after Peyton turned you down.

Throwing on some clean, comfy clothes, you glance at the clock and are surprised at the time. You have a few hours before Lindsey will wake up, before you have to be anywhere. It's still summer so you don't have work yet. You might as well write you think, or at least attempt to. While your coffee is brewing you pour a bowl of cereal and wonder why it takes so long to make a pot of coffee. You can manage to get through half a bowl of cereal before it finishes. You'd never admit it, but you feel more grown-up now that you use no cream and almost no sugar. You can't explain quite why this makes you feel older and wiser, but it does and you don't push it. You don't push a lot, though you think you do. You grab one of the big mugs from the cabinet and pour yourself some coffee, making sure you turn off the machine before you head to your desk. You crack your knuckles even though you know it's a bad habit that your mother wouldn't approve of and wait for it to boot up before you start writing.

Somewhere in the back of your head, you register the presence of Lindsey watching you with a smile on her face, but you don't really notice, you're too engrossed in your newfound roll. The words have been chugging out steadily for the last few hours, the output larger than you've had in months. You know it will need editing, but the flow and beauty of this is surprising you. You want to be excited but all you are concerned with is this story. This story will be your life you think, and you have no idea how true it is. If you did, you probably wouldn't like it so much. Like high school, you function best while in denial. It suits you well.


	3. Seems we got a cheaper feel now

It takes you about two weeks, writing for at least eight hours every day to knock out a rough draft. It probably needs a lot of work, but you at least have a rough frame work for what you want. Lindsey is amazed, and you're surprised and exhausted. You want to crawl into bed and sleep, but instead you look at what you've just written. It passed in such a blur that you hadn't really paid attention to it, hadn't realize what you were creating. And it hits you, and you pale as you look at the end. And then you take off to go find them. The end of denial is always such a bitch.

You rush into **their** house, angry and upset at them. How could they have done this to you? They're sitting at the bar in their kitchen, laughing, shoulders touching. They're happy. Just like in the dreams you're so scared of. They look at you startled, then confused.

"Luke?" Peyton asks you, searching for an answer in your furious eyes.

"How could you, Pey?" You feel like you're drowning in this knowledge, this doubt. What if they, what if **she** never really loved you at all? Was this all a game? Why didn't you see this before?

"How could I what, Lucas?" She really doesn't look like she knows anything you think.

"Her! You! How could you both do this to me?" They're looking at you so confused, looking at each other doesn't help either apparently.

"Uhm, Luke, we don't know what you're talking about." Brooke's voice has gotten huskier since high school, and sometimes the way she says things still sends shivers down your spine, even now. You wonder what it does to Peyton, and if she does that thing with her lips with her too, or if that was just for you.

"How long have you two been together? Why did you both lead me on in high school?" If they were going to play coy, you were going to be brutally blunt. It wasn't fair, you think, what they did wasn't fair.

"Wait. Wait. What?" Brooke is looking at you like she's never seen you before. Maybe she hasn't, at least not in this state. Has she ever seen you this upset? You can't remember right now, and you can't say you really care.

"We aren't together, Luke. We've never been together." Peyton is playing with her hands in that way that means she's nervous and you know this, and you think she's lying to you. Of course she has to be lying to you, there's no way they can't know, there's no way that they haven't said anything to each other. They're fucking epic.

"Don't lie to me! It's always been you two. It's not me and Peyton that have this fucking epic love story. It's you. And you just...you used me! You made me love you both, and you don't even care!" Your voice is getting louder and they're looking more worried. You still don't think that nothing has gone on, even though they look dumbfounded and out of the loop.

"Luke, I don't know what you're talking about." Peyton is choosing her words carefully, speaking them levelly, but she isn't looking at you when she speaks. Brooke is staring at you, but when she notices how hard you're staring at Peyton, she starts staring at her too. She has to know. They have to know something. This can't all be in your head you think. It can't be. Not after what you wrote in your book.

"I wrote my new book." Her head whips up in surprise. Maybe if you try a different approach she won't lie to you, maybe storming in here yelling wasn't the best approach. You always were kind of impulsive when it came to Peyton. Maybe that's why things have gone the way they have. You never really analyzed any of this, just went along with it. It was so easy to love her, to be an epic couple and you wanted so badly to be in something that would mean something.

"Already? I thought...I thought you...You said that you hadn't been able to write in awhile when we got back." You bark a small laugh out at that and run a hand through your hair.

"I didn't have anything then. And I was thinking, and having those nightmares again and then I just started writing. I've spent hours the last few days just pouring all these words out. I wrote a book in two weeks. And I looked at it this morning, after I gave it to Lindsey to read and I just..." They're staring at you, and you can't read their faces. Your voice is soft as you try to explain.

"It was about you. I was writing this epic love story and I always thought it was supposed to be me and Peyton, you know? And it's not, cause I'll never be either of you, and neither of you can be happy without the other, and I don't know how I never saw it." You sound defeated, and finally some sort of relief comes creeping into your chest. It's not your fault. And there's no possible regrets to worry about now, cause Peyton isn't yours and she isn't waiting for you and she most certainly didn't come back for you.

"Luke..." Brooke starts, but can't seem to find the words to make this better. You aren't sure there are any, maybe you just need time to digest this. You still need to know how long before it eats you through.

"No, no. It's ok now. I get it. I mean. I get it. I just...how long?"

"Luke, we've never been together." You stare Brooke down, and she meets your gaze, daring you to push this. You make a small noise of disbelief before walking away.

"Whatever."


	4. she knows what's going on

(AN-So, I feel this is a little rushed and OOC and the characterization is crap and I'm not happy with it, but I'm putting this and the end up and if I have a chance I'll work on it, try to make it better, so apologies for the quality.)

You're sitting at the Rivercourt looking at the place where you used to play and wondering where this all went wrong for you, and when it started. You want to be mad, you want to be angry at them for this, for causing all this pain, but you can't. You just can't. You're more upset that you never saw it than you are that they didn't tell you. The more you think about it, the more you think they're telling the truth. Hell, you've been in denial, for what eight or so years now? It's not that far-fetched that they could have been too. Somebody would have said something, they would have slipped up somewhere and you know they've been on opposite sides of the country for four years. You know that it wasn't a break up or a fight that caused that, so maybe they never were, cause you would have noticed when you were in high school and they were never around each other long enough after till now.

You're surprised when Haley sits next to you with two coffees. You smile gratefully at her before taking a tentative sip. You like that she still knows how you like your coffee, and you like that you haven't changed that much. You like that somethings stay the same for you sometimes.

"Peyton said you uh...visited them this morning." You sit in silence for awhile, Haley patiently waiting for you to speak. She knows you well, knows how to talk to you, when to wait and when to push.

"Yeah. I didn't believe them when they said...Did...Did you know?" She sighs and looks away for a moment. You know she's weighing her words in her brain, worried about how you'll react because you're sure that Peyton and Brooke were nervous and maybe a little scared. You wonder who called her and what they said to her.

"Yeah. Kind of. I mean, I didn't want to say anything cause I thought that maybe I was wrong. But...I saw it. And then when I was living with Brooke, she broke down the one night and said that she was in love with Peyton and didn't know what to do about it. She thought that Peyton was in love with you, and didn't want to ruin what you had. They weren't lying when they said they'd never dated, Luke. They really haven't." You let out a whoosh of breathe as you take this all in.

"They're talking now. About this." Good, good you think. Maybe this damn triangle will finally end, maybe you can finally really move on. You want to, you've wanted to for years but you wanted Peyton to come with you.

"Good." You sit in silence for a few moments. "I don't hate them. I'm not even mad at them. I was just so shocked and upset and...mad that I never got it. I never saw it. I should have."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Luke. They didn't get it until now either. If they didn't get it, how were you supposed to?"

"You did." She smiles gently at you. You want to tell her that you aren't stupid.

"I didn't really have a vested interest in any of you. I was outside of the whole triangle of doom."

"Did Nathan know?" She sighs and pushes a piece of hair behind her ear. She doesn't really want to tell you this and you know, because if he knew then that means everyone but you knew.

"Not until college. He made some sort of joke and I asked him if one of them had confessed to him too and...yeah."

"Oh. So. Basically I'm just really..."

"Dense."

"Dumb."

"Dense. And in love. Or were."

"I thought I had this epic love story with Peyton. That we were fated to be together. And after all this time, this drama...It's Peyton and Brooke." Not you. Not PeytonandLucas, PeytonandBrooke. Somehow you think it works better. They fit better together, and maybe you did give them pieces of themselves they didn't know they had, but you tore them apart too, something nothing and no one else had managed to do. You did that. You broke them apart. You didn't mean to, but you did.

"I'm sorry, Luke." You shrug.

"It's alright. It's like this big weight is just gone. There's no more unknown, y'know? No worrying that we'll both be pining over each other, that we were made for each other. It's like I'm free. It's weird." And you are. You know it's fast, but maybe it's not. Maybe all this knowledge has slowly acclimated over the years into this thing that you've dealt with, without knowing about it. You aren't in love with Peyton. You're in love with the idea of Peyton, and PeytonandLucas. You aren't in love with Peyton. But you are in love with Lindsey.

"So..." You look at her, manage a small smile knowing that she's worried about you.

"I'm going to be fine. I just need to digest it a bit y'know? It's...a big shift in reality. I'll be fine." Haley smiles, squeezes your hand and stands up.

"I've got to go back home, I left Nathan in charge of lunch if I didn't get back." Laughing you nod your head in understanding. Nathan's idea of lunch was Campbell's soup or Easy Mac.

"Thanks, Hales." She asks you if you'll really be ok and you nod and motion with her hand that she should go. She leaves you with a smile and thoughts of your future.


	5. she's puttin on her string bean love

After awhile you stop staring ahead and you just lay back and stare at the clouds and revel. You're free. You hear a familiar footstep and smile. All these years and she still walks the same. You've come to appreciate the things that don't change more and more since everyone's come back to Tree Hill.

"It's ok. I'm not mad." You pat the bench next to you and after a few seconds she sits next to you.

"Hey." Her voice is soft and unsure. You sit up and smile at her. You want her to see that it's ok, that you aren't holding it against her. It's not her fault she was in love with Brooke and not you. You know that she loves you and didn't want to hurt you. You want her to know it's ok.

"Hey yourself." She nods and hides in her hair. You used to love when she did that, it drove you crazy. Now it just makes you feel a little guilty and think she's cute.

"Haley said you two talked." You nod and look at the court again.

"I swear, Luke. We didn't know." She sounds so worried, so afraid of what you'll say or do and you feel guilty. You never wanted to do this to her.

"I know. Haley said...I mean I talked about it with her and...it's ok. I just. I've been functioning so long under this idea of epic love that I didn't know what to do when I wasn't in it."

"You always did need to be center of attention." She punches you lightly in the shoulder, and you feign indignation.

"I get it though. I didn't mean to react like that. I...I just spent all that time writing and all that time pining after you and then it hit me and it all just felt like this big joke, like this punch to my gut and I didn't..."

"It's ok, Luke. We didn't-"

"I know. It's ok. You both know I'm right though, right? You aren't going to..." You wave your hand, knowing she'll understand. You might not be PeytonandBrooke, but you are Peyton and Lucas and you still have an understanding between the two of you.

"We're going to take it slow, make sure we do it right. And we know. And we're sorry." You sit up and sling an arm around her shoulder and pull her close before kissing the top of her head.

"I'll always love you, Peyton Sawyer, but I'm no Brooke Davis, and I get that now. I can't believe how blind we all were, but...it's all worked out in the end, hasn't it?" She nods against your shoulder and you relax.

She stops and starts a sentence a few times before finally getting it out. "When you said nightmares, what did you mean?" You forgot that you brought that up. Ah, you don't really want to answer that, but you know you owe it to her.

You sigh before you answer her. "I had these nightmares in high school, it was always the three of us, and you two were always somewhere safe, and I was facing this storm alone and I didn't get it. I kept trying to get one of you come with me in the dream and neither of you ever did...I didn't get it. I do now though. It used to bother me a lot, I just tried not to pay attention to it, y'know?" She nods and says she understands. You both sit there comfortably, enjoying each other's company in a way you haven't in ages.

"You should get home to your girl, tell her that we're all alright and that if she breaks your heart she's going to answer to me." She laughs, pulling away and brushing at tears.

"Ok."

"Hey now, none of that." You wipe away the last of her tears and look into her eyes and see relief, happiness and the future, and you think that you've never seen anything better in those eyes. She closes her eyes for a moment, before getting up and starting to walk away.

"Luke...Thank you." You smile at her and she turns back around heading to her car, back to Brooke. You sit there for a few seconds before hopping off the bench to go home. Lindsey isn't around, so you grab a small box out of your drawer and head to the jeweler. Every since that book, your life became a whole lot clearer.


End file.
